Well I decided to do this next week's post in two because I have a few things on my mind and I want to talk about them before I forget.
So yesterday we rented out the Fuller Lake ice rink in Chemainus for two hours. I hadn't gone skating in probably five years, so I knew I wasn't going to do well but since my Kaleo friends were there I thought it could be fun. It was really a great time, all of the girls (except Bret and Janet) were in the same position as me, so we held hands and skated around in circles for a good while till we got the hang of it. I used to take figure skating but that was a long, long time ago. By the end I was able to skate backwards, make bubbles, stop and balance on one skate, so I was happy. At the end of our time there, we all had to do figure skating routines, I laughed at all of them... no word of a lie.
Yesterday morning was quite the time. On Tuesday I really felt like I was supposed to share my testimony/story in chapel but we had some camp people come in so I wasn't able to, so on Wednesday night I texted Jim and asked if I could go. Some people weren't there but I really felt like I needed to tell my testimony, it was the next step in becoming more vulnerable with the community here but also helping me become more bold. I'll be quite frank, I pretty much bawled through the whole thing. I don't even know why really, some parts were sad but for the most part my story is full of blessings in my life. It was weird, I find it funny now though. I think it is God showing me who is actually in control. I'll be honest I despise crying in myself, it makes me feel weak, so I think God is purposely making me into a cry baby. Ever since I came to Kaleo I seem to be crying in chapels a fair bit, not really outside of that though, which is good I guess. It would seem God has a good sense of irony. Sharing my testimony I felt like I didn't share everything I could of but I prayed before I began that what I would say would be glorifying to God, so maybe that is why I said some things and not others, but for the most part I think I said the important stuff.
In other news, the Kaleo crew is 'leading' a youth event tonight here. I am the 'leader' for the Mug-up/Kitchen. I'll be completely frank, I am very below being fond of it. Doing this job was one of my least favourites to do, but I guess it is my own fault I told Jay I didn't care where I went. I still harbour that stupid bitterness towards camp ministry, and this situation probably made it worse. I am trying to have a positive attitude though and I tell myself that it is only day. It sucks that I will probably doing stuff for this 'one day' all of today practically though, and I can't seem to find anybody who is willing to help out either... bummer. haha.
In Operation World, a book we are praying over and reading for Theology of Missions says "Again, in a godless universe, the idea of prayer for the evangelization of the world is beyond absurd.Do we really believe that our prayers to an invisible God can and will change the hard hearts of tyrants, break down oppressive social and religious systems, and deliver fullness of life to those who suffer in abject hopelessness? FB Meyer wrote: "You do not test the resources of God until you attempt the impossible". I think I can't even grasp the importance of prayer, I think it is so hard for me to grasp because prayer is a spiritual thing, a practice that is beyond flesh and blood. It is something that nourishes the soul, and is communication with God. I think this year is really revealing to me prayer in a new light. Brick by brick, and bit by bit I am seeing prayer as I think God intended me to see it.
Over the past week I have felt that I have lived within my only little world and only concerned for myself. This has happened more than once in my life and it is during these times that I realize all too late what the consequences are when I do this. Usually the consequences fall onto my friends and family. I am trying to work through this though, and one thing that has helped is reading the Bible daily and starting my day in prayer. In the morning now I spend time in the library usually reading and praying over things, which is strange because my life state is in chaos to me right now but there is strong assurance that I have God and a strong foundation in him, an inner joy.
I just don't know why but I have become so hard hearted and bitter towards so many things. These past few days have been like a roller coaster with my emotions. I am asking and thinking things of people that just can't happen, I need to depend on God for that.
There ar other things that I am struggling with but it is related to people who probably read this blog and that would make things probably super awkward... eek!
I think that is all for now, or at least what I can think of. Please be praying for me, I think the more I become vulnerable with this community, and God the more spiritual warfare that is going on in my life.
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