To Be Known As

I have realized just how selfish I am and how self-centered instead of being outward-focused (please be praying about that for me). I was reading in my handy-dandy "monk" book and I came across this quote from Donald Miller's Blue Like Jazz:

"More than my question about the efficacy of social action were my questions about my own motives. Do I want social justice for the oppressed, or do I just want to be known as a socially active person? I spend 95 percent of my time thinking about myself anyway. I don't have to watch the evening news to see that the world is bad; I only have to look at myself. I am not browbeating myself here; I am only saying that true change, true life-giving, God-honoring change would have to start with the individual. I was the very problem I had been protesting. I wanted to make a sign that read "I AM THE PROBLEM!""

I find this really relevant for myself and it has made me questions what are my motives for social justice. I do genuinely want to help these people, to realize their worth, to know the Lord and his love and his healing power. But am I also doing it for recognition? For being 'sacrificial' in my efforts and being 'caring and loving'? I know we as people can easily put our identity in the things we do, how we look, what we say, and what we spend out time on -something I am really learning about for myself- but we need to find our identity solely in the Lord. There can sometimes be a fine line that we may not even realize. I need to grasp though that I am just a tool for the Lord to reach these people and it is He who has even put this passion and ability in me in the first place.

Just something to think about.

(sorry for the weird formatting)

Like A Tree- Autumn Johnston and Alana Schmidt

A beautiful song, done by a friend.

I Want to Be a Nun

Okay, not quite. But it does have its moments of being enticing. If you think this will be a rant of how there is no great men in this world, think again. It is not about that -Briercrest has many incredible guys here, but sorry to say, I will not be going into that. This is about monastic living.

In my History of Christianity class we have learned about numerous monastic movements in the Western and Eastern church. When I was first confronted with monasticism in my readings -which was the Desert Fathers- I did not agree with them. This early monasticism consisted usually of living days in solitude in a desert, and spending time meditating on God, with no to little resources. It was also usually extreme asceticism. My problem with this was there was no human interaction, or limited. We are commanded to be a light to the world (Matt. 5:14), to go out into it -and let us not forget the Great Commission! Of course, we are not of this world, but we need to be active and within it, we need to preserve it - just like salt can preserve meat from going bad. How can we spread the gospel and light of Christ if we isolate ourselves? Also, with no human interaction how can we learn to be patient, to share, or to be obedient. These can be tested without human interaction but to me, human contact can be the ultimate test. Lastly, we are not able to fulfill the many commands Jesus and Paul make -encouraging one another, forgiving, serving others etc.

Anyways, now comes Western monasticism. The Desert Fathers did have an impact of the orders that would arise but Western monasticism was different. One large difference was they lived in community with one another -even though some of the early monasticism did live in communities. They also interacted with the outside world. They wanted reform in the Church. And depending on the order, they set an example of asceticism, poverty, obedience, and submission, along other things. These monasteries became a place of rest for the weary traveller, a place of education for the knowledge seeker, and a place for the weak and sick. As well, some notable church figures -bishops, writers, and popes- came from monasteries. I am not saying these orders were completely opposite from the monasticism movement before them -or had become perfect-, but to me, they had reached a definite improvement.

You may be wondering where I am going with this, well, be patient. I am almost there. So, for my History of Christianity paper I decided to do something along the lines of Irish monasticism. In my searchings of the immense library here, I stumbled upon a book called Monk Habits for Everyday People: Benedictine Spirituality for Protestants by Dennis Okholm. I thought it sounded interesting so I decided to start reading it. It has been so nourishing, and I highly recommend it. I have learned so much from it but also it has opened my eyes. I am one who really adores the simple lifestyle -even though I am very far from it myself. The simplistic lifestyle of a monk -or it would be a nun in my case- seems so appealing in a world that has been bombarded with consumerism, materialism, and noise. These people have made God their top priority which can sometimes be so hard in the North American culture. They also have disciplined themselves, to listen more and speak less, to be humble in their abilities -but also acknowledge what they can do-, to be completely obedient to the authorities above them, and just to lay down their 'rights'. Especially those monastic orders found in North American, these rights include the fact we think we have a right to fortune and wealth because of our geographical location. It is hard to explain and I do feel like I just rambled -sorry- but to me I want to live more simply, become less distracted with the things of this world and becoming more fixing my "eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen" (2 Cor. 4:18).

"Disobedience is only illusory freedom." - Brian C. Taylor

Raw Truth.

God loves me. I am a sinner. He died for me. He has given me freedom. He is overflowing with grace and mercy. He is all powerful. He is joy. I am forgiven. I am unashamed. They are simple but yet there are times I miss the profoundness of these truths. I do not want them to get old, to grow weary of their impact in my life. I want to always look at them with a fresh regard, not dreary because I have heard them over and over. When the Lord does reveal to me these realities once again though, all I can do is be in awe and praise my Lord (and usually cry). Yet, at times I feel like to me this is just head knowledge. I want to feel these basic truths -not in the sense that it gives me an emotional high, because those can be unreliable and misleading- but to feel it to the core of my being. I want to not just confess them but to live out these basic truths in my life. What I really want is for these truths to be raw to me, every time. My question is though, 'how?' Some of them I am slowly learning to live out. First and foremost I need to take this to the Lord with prayer. Then, tell others, keep my eyes open to these truths around me and see them being lived out, and also to ask the Lord to refresh my mind in how I approach them.

Obedience

Today in chapel our Student Government president had a few great things to say but I really like how he talked about obedience. Obedience is something that has come up a few times in the last few days but also has been a matter I have been learning about.

Obedience. The obedience that a Christ follower should have should not be any mediocre form of obedience, we are called to have radical obedience. Radical obedience does not look normal to the eyes of the world, it may look foolish, or it may look like pure absurdity. I think though, that it is beautiful, it is exciting, it is invigorating. We are never called to live like this world, we are called to something more, something different. In my opinion, we are certainly not called to live the American dream. This has become animated in a few ways through my own life.

This year I was in the TESOL program at Briercrest. I thought this was where the Lord was calling me. It offered a mission aspect, the ability to teach others, the ability to support myself and the ability to travel. I also loved how integrated the Christian faith was into this program. Even though I was accepted and all else that entails, I always had a little bit of doubt in the back of my mind, but I pushed it away, ignoring it. I started taking my first TESOL class, and half way through the week -it was a modular class- I had large doubts that could not be ignored, doubts that made me want to cry. Sometimes though I would settle these doubts but would still feel not quite at peace. I wrestled with this for the majority of the week. So I talked to my program head and he suggested that maybe I needed something different, maybe a different program. This terrified me, I was registered for my classes already and had declared my major along with I had proudly told others which program I was in. I am also a person who is not impulsive and am pretty sensible, so this seemed to go against every ounce of will in my body. It all came down though to trust, trust in the Lord. He had put this restless heart in me about this program and He had different plans for me. So in that, I surrendered in obedience. I switched programs and the Lord brought together the classes I need to get into, etc. God is so good! He always knows what I need before I even glance a thought in that direction. I really enjoy the program I am in, and I have an incredible peace that has settled over me that surpasses my own understanding.

Obedience. God blesses us so greatly when we surrender and follow His will instead of our own. It may not be blessings that make sense in the world's point of view, but they are blessing nevertheless.

The battle of my heart.

Okay I couldn't handle it! I am using this blog again.

So here it a little post to get things started up.

Hm....what has been going on in my life...

There are many things I have learned and I am growing in but right now I want to talk about the attitude of my heart.

The attitude of my heart can be in a constant battle at times. To pursue a realtionship with Christ, and to draw near to him means I need to have a desire, and sometimes that desire is not there, it is absent. There are points where I just want to give up, to give up the race and quit. Sometimes I am tired, tired of growing, tired of always putting in an effort, sometimes I just want to live a normal life, a life where I wouldn't know God or be in relationship with him so I wouldn't have to be pursuing and putting in that effort. I want to be naive and follow the wordly desires of my life. But then, what life would it be if I didn't have my Lord in my life? One with no purpose, no hope, no joy in difficulties. It is in these moments that I want to give up that I have to surrender. Surrender of doing things my way, surrender my attitude and give it to the Lord, because I cannot have this desire to want to grow in intimacy with my Saviour by myself. It is here that the Lord gives me strength to carry on and to help change the attitude of my heart. I have never had this problem in my mind of quitting before Kaleo, and the more time I spend here at college, the more it is reoccurring- I am not saying though that this is a very common occurrence - but I think that it is a struggle that a Christ-follower will probably have to face at some point if they want to keep walking with the Lord and deepening that relationship. Even though all of this is true, I feel that I have an assurance. Even when I feel like quitting I have this assurance that I won't quit. I never doubt that I will leave my faith and my Lord, and I am no theologian but I feel this is because of the Spirit residing within me.

The battle of the attitude of my heart.

Update

I may leave a post here once in awhile but for the most part I have moved to two different sites.

My personal one:

http://www.paintedsparrow.tumblr.com/

And my social justice one (which I am really excited about!):

http://www.insight-socialjustice.tumblr.com/

The End

Hello! Well, sorry I haven't updated lately. To say the least graduation was incredible filled with many tears. I cried more during that grad than I did for my highschool one which many of the people I had spent 12 years with. That just shows how our common factor, Christ, creates such a deeper connection. After Grad my family hiked Mt. Tzouhalem (which took 3 1/2 hours instead of 1 and a half), we dropped my dad off in Victoria at the airport, and then headed to Ukee. We spent two days there and went surfing with Surf Sisters. My brother loved it, and I stood up on my board! We drove back to Victoria on Wednesday and then flew out and here I am back at home again. So this is the testimony I told for my Easter Sunday church service at my church in Leader:

This last year I have been on Vancouver Island doing a program called Kaleo through Briercrest. To explain what has happened this year could not be put into mere words, but nevertheless, I can say it has been life-changing. This year has been transforming. It has been foundational. It has made be more of who I truly am that I ever have before.

This year we were told would be a year of Grace. At first none of really saw it or how this grace would appear, but when we look back we see grace upon grace upon grace. Grace is something undeserved,. It is something good given or done for someone who does not deserve it. God’s grace to us is the biggest display of grace to exist, but I have also seen grace this year being displayed through people.

It has been a hard year, filled with difficulties. Our community was lacking at times which is a vital part of Kaleo, and before Christmas break had ended four people left us. Grace showed itself though, once again.

During second semester, one of the Kaleo guys, Kwon, was kicked out due to some misconduct. The day he left was very hard on our community, with lots of tears. But that day for him, was a day that his heart started to changed. Over a mission trips to Mexico and a few other events, this guy finally realized what he needed to do, and he began to transform and surrender himself to God. The leadership decided to let him back into the program, a complete display of grace, and he came to us with a changed heart., a new creation. Grace was evident so strongly through Kwon.

Jim, our leader was ‘dismissed’ by the camp who helps run Kaleo, so his year with us would be his last year leading Kaleo. This created a lot of bitterness in us, myself included. It came into perspective though that I had to let go of my bitterness when my leader Jim said to one of my roommates, “bitterness is a choice”, and he himself chose not to be bitter towards the camp. I was finally able to let go of my bitterness. At the end of the year I found a verse that fit this perfectly, See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." ~Hebrews 12:15

Jim gave us many model examples of how grace should be used.

During two of my classes, we were asked the question, “What are you learning to love?”

I am learning to love Community. Christians are not meant to be independent. Even though this is contrary to our culture, it is the life that Christians are meant to live. Community was an important part of the early church, and it should also be now. My Kaleo community showed me how this community is supposed to look like by encouraging, loving, exhorting, and even gently rebuking one another. It was an example of how believers of Christ should live.

I am learning to love the gospel in its entirety, from Genesis to Revelation. I am learning that the Old Testament, also known as the Old Covenant, plays such an important role in the gospel, and wouldn’t be complete without it. I have also learned to go to scripture, and see what it says about the life I should live. A life of obedience, servitude, and even submission. A counter-cultural life.

I am learning to love social justice. Social justice is something that the Church has been somewhat lacking in the past. We are very blessed here in North America, and in Luke 12:48 it says, “to whom much is given, much is required”. I have opened my eyes, and decided not to turn away from what is happening in my own country and in the world. I have started to take the step to look upon the face of poverty, and even though it may be painful, I have Christ to sustain me and take me through this journey. God has given me the love to love these people, who are real human beings just like us. I have also learned that social justice and the gospel need to be in balance with one another. There shouldn’t be one without the other. The Bible is filled with acts, commands, and calls out for social justice, they cannot be ignored. Also, social justice without the gospel is empty. I do realize that “the poor will always be with us” but I know that there is also hope. This hope and the LORD that keeps me going to fight for social justice, to help those who aren’t able to help themselves.

This year has been incredible and I couldn’t imagine spending it any other way. The people I have grown in community with, my Kaleo, are not like family to me, they are family. When I think each of them tears comes to eyes, tears to have to leave them, but also joy and delight to see how far they have come, and I am excited to see how God will use them. I have barely scratched the surface but hopefully I have given a glimpse into what has been happening in my life.

Chapter 27: Transatlanticism

Hello once again and maybe once more.
Well here I sit, in my last week of Kaleo.
Last week we went surfing in Tofino/Ucluelet and then when to Mt.Washington to go snowboarding for a day. Both were incredible. Of course, I got a wetsuit rash on my neck again...not as bad as last time though. I really enjoyed Mt.Washington, the snow was slushy and so lovely. Also, the Snowbirds were at Comox, and we could see them from Mt.Washington (I even saw them make a heart! How cute).

This week we went up to Mt. Washington again to the chalet we rented out previously for a retreat. It was really sweet to just hang out with everyone (since the ski hill was closed for the week, because it is only open on weekends now). I'll admit though it was rough. Really rough. I have come to realize I am so fragile, and I think I lost a best friend in the process. At least I got a poem out of it. I think though that I did need to be broken, I just feel like it wasn't the best of timing, but I know God does know what the best is for me. To me, the last few days have been pain, and hurt. I have also realized that I need freedom. I am sick of living in my sin, it has consumed me and has become an addiction for me. During our chapel at Mt.Washington we were supposed to pick a name that would help everyone remember what to pray for that person. I picked Freedom. Freedom from my sin. I know I have victory in Christ, and I can conquer my sin through Christ. I don't want to be enslaved to it any longer, I want freedom. Tomorrow, if everything goes as planned, I am going to share in detail my sin with my intern. Which will be hard, because it is something I have struggled with for years but have never told anyone. But I don't want the devil to hold this against me anymore, I want freedom. So please be praying for me.

I will try to post once more, but I don't know if I will. Saturday is our graduation, and Sunday we leave. It will be hard but in some ways I am excited to get out into the world and start being the light and salt of the world.
I will leave you with this verse and a link to a poem. The verse has made me realize that I have no reason to be bitter towards camp. It was my pride and loyalty that was causing my bitterness, and I have to realize that as a follower of Christ, I cannot hold bitterness, and my loyalty must first lie with the kingdom of God.
"See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." ~Hebrews 12:15

Now for the poem, don't worry, I am fine, but I was just trying to control my emotions. So here it is:

I am fragile.

My heart a shell stranded on the seashore

Shattered by just one reckless touch

When held by human hands.

When the heart shatters,

there is nothing left to contain the tears.

When the floodgate fails it breaks forth,

with fragments of shell carried in its surge.

Tears are not precious as diamonds anymore.

By its bounty,

I sell them as dirt-cheap wares

to those who pick up my fragile heart.

Vast as an ocean,

and yet reduced to a shell on another shore.

Chapter 26: What Are You Learning to Love?

Let me first say, the Lord is good! I just feel so undeserving of the constant blessing he has been pouring on me. I do not know if this is good or bad but I never ask for God to bless me, I feel like I am as I said, undeserving but when I think of others I think they should be blessed before me because of how God has blessed me so richly so far. Although, I am realizing that it is the ones who appear the least-blessed or poor in the eyes of the world who are truly blessed. Their character is shaped more Christ-like than I could ever be. They have become so relient on God and trust him completely. It is in their helplessness that they depend on him, because they can't depend on materialism, science or technology. That is truly being blessed. This is completely described in Matthew 5 with the Beautitudes. I do feel like I need to learn to accept God's gift to me, but it just seems hard when there are people out there who need God's blessings so much more than me. I also mean this blessing in the sense of home life, family, and friends.
Anyways, wow, I totally went on a ramble there. So... (drum roll please) I got a bursary! I would like to say scholarship, but it is not dependent on my academics. Nevertheless, Briercrest has given me the Karsgaard Heritage Foundation Bursary, which is $1300. Incredible! I was actually doubting I would get anything, but I was wrong I guess. haha.
Well, our last class of Kaleo is done. We took Studies in Christian Worldview with Cal Macfarlane. You may recognize this name from the beginning of the year, Cal taught our Spiritual Formation also. The class was a lot of philsophy. We learned about Modernism, Postmodernism, and Creational Reality. To be honest, I always thought I would love philosophy but I was wrong. It is not that I don't like it, it is just that I am not very good at it. I got the ideas in general but it seems I cannot get the full grasp of the ideas presented. When I wrote the exam though I realized that I did learn a lot from the class, and it was cool to learn about Postmodernism because we talked about it in Church Ministry.
Kaleo is over in two weeks. We have some wonderful things planned like surfing at Tofino and snowboarding at Mt. Washington, and just time to relax. This year is what it is, I think our group dynamics have been different than most years but I love these people nevertheless. It will be a sad day to say goodbye to them, especially the fact that I might not see some of them ever again, but I do have a peace about leaving. I am enjoying my time here but I am excited to get out in the world, and especially back to my community.
I feel like my blessing section made no sense, I apologize, haha.

Chapter 25:I Love Low-Tide, Lighthouses, Cheese, Carbs, and Whales. Did I Mention I Like Lemongrass?

Oh dear, oh dear, how do I tell you or even process what has been going on in the last two weeks, I will for the most part just skim the surface of what happened, and maybe try to give some highlights. I think this will be helpful for me, to give me time to think over some of the things that have happened.

So my two weeks of my missions trip were very separate from each other. One week was spent mostly in inner-city East Van, while the second half was spent on Tzartus Island in isolation at Copper Island Camp. I would like to start off by saying that I really enjoyed my missions trip, and I know it is where I was meant to be. It was in a way a 'practical' missions trip. It made me realize the things I can do in my everyday life, and even though I will be probably living in Saskatchewan and won't be able to particularly participate in the exact ministries I did, I know there is a lot of similar things available where I live.

So as I said I spent my first week in East Van. We stayed at a church called New Beginnings with no shower (and you know what that means? no showers... for a week, haha). We worked through a ministry called Inner Hope Youth Ministries which is run by two wonderful ladies named Carla and Jenny. We also worked with Union Gospel Mission (UGM) a lot, worked with New Beginnings, and some of us worked with Vancouver Urban Ministries (VUM). We did things like run 20 min. chapels, do after-school programs, help with youth group, a lot of painting and even worked in a thrift store! Something also we did that I really enjoyed is we gave two kids room makeovers from a program run by Inner Hope. They were both girls, and I got to do the one for a girl named, Rebel. I really enjoyed just being able to bless her, and if I do say so myself, the end result of the room makeover looked pretty sharp. This week was probably one of the most challenging weeks I have ever had, which at some points really sucked but I am glad that I was able to experience it.

On sunday, after doing a UGM chapel service we got a tour of some of Eastside Vancouver, mostly focused on E Hastings Street. I was prepared when we got this tour to see poverty and hopelessness, but to be honest when I saw it I realized I wasn't. I couldn't keep a hardened heart and just brush off what I saw. The one thing that really struck me of how obvious it was. Countless homeless people filled the streets along with drug dealers and prostitutes. I always thought that these type of things would be hidden, done in alleyways or behind closed doors, but it wasn't. As I walked the streets my heart was completely broken, I just wanted to cry. During this tour though I did see hope too. It wasn't that people were trying to reach out to these people. We visited many shelters, drop-in centers, and soup kitchens. It just is overwhelming with even all of these places of how prominent this depravation is.

On Wednesday I had hit a wall. I was drained physically, mentally, and emotionally. The people we worked with and just the schedule had taken everything out of me. I was a complete grouch for most of the day, and probably the most angry/miserable I had been in over a year or more. I felt bad for my team, but at least my grouchiness resulted in some very amusing stories. It is funny to laugh at now, but then... not so funny. Apparently at one point I looked like I could of killed someone, not by any outbursts though. When I am grouchy or angry I am usually just silent and "brooding" giving a mean glance once in awhile. Just thought you might be interested to know just in case you encounter this dark side of me, haha.

So the next week we went to Copper Island Camp which is located on Tzartus Island off the west coast of Vancouver Island. This week I absolutely loved, I don't think there was anything I didn't enjoy about it. With no cellphone service, no computers, a beautiful view, a generator for electricity and not being able to flush toilet paper down the toilet, it was simple living, and I loved it. For a major part of the week we did manual labor from chopping wood to moving timber to arranging nails to chopping wood to then stacking wood to racking the ground for rocks to shoveling to chopping wood and then stacking wood, did I mention we chopped and stacked a lot of wood? It was a lot of physical labor but it was really refreshing compared to the week before.
On wednesday they gave us the day off to 'learn', and boy did I ever! I learned about a dead log which is dangerous to boaters so if someone spots one you are supposed to stick in a bright orange stake into the part that is visible. We also checked and set up crab and prawn traps which were really cool. We also went into Bamfield, a cute little village that is either accessed by water or a logging road. Lastly, on wednesday we hiked up a small mountain to visit an abandoned 'copper' mine. This week we also hate a full crab (it was messy!), legit clam chowder soup (with prawn eggs in them), and we even saw whales! The Orcas made my week complete, they weren't that close but it was still so awesome.

I found that during this week that I realized how much God provides from the orcas to the sunny days to my strength. I thought I would be exhausted this week and would have a really sore back from lifting heavy things since I have sciolosis. I was never tired throughout the whole week and my back was barely sore, it was truly a God send. This week I had also decided to be completely relient on God for my strength, and it is incredible to see the results of that! Also, I don't think we would have gotten merely as much done as we did if it was rainy the whole time, but God blessed us with good weather till friday.

Lastly, something I would like to share of this week is on the last day me and a guy named Nolan, whose family is from the reserve in Ukie, got to talk a little bit while wood-stacking together. It wasn't anything crazy but he told me about his culture, his clan, and even his 'Indian name', which I forget... even though I think he told me several times. It was really cool to learn about his culture since I didn't know too much about it other than the resident schools.

So that barely scratches the surface but it was truly an incredible experience. I have most of my photos on facebook if you would like to look at them. I didn't take many pictures when we were working because we were too busy, and I didn't take pictures of us doing stuff in East Van because I wanted to be sensitive to the people we were working with. They aren't circus animals or something, I feel they deserve respect so that is basically the reason of the lack of pictures for that part.

I really loved my team, even if it was mostly composed of girls. At first I was leery of this because I am not a fan of big groups of girls but it was completely fine! I loved all the girls on the trip (and the guys too), we were for the most part not dramatic, even though we did bicker a lot like a family in a joking way. At least we did it with love! Also, I have found I hadn't bonded a lot with the girls in Kaleo, but this trip gave me a chance to know a few of these girls really well, and I love them to bits.

I have found that when I talk about my missions trip with the other teams it has been hard to relate since I didn't really get the cross-cultural experience like they did. This has been a downer for me since I love travelling afar and seeing new places. I do realize though that this was the trip I was meant to be on and all of us were doing God's work, which was what was important, not foreign places, languages, or even souvenirs.

Chapter 24: Mission Impossible

Okay then, I will tell you of the wonderful and spectacular missions trip I am about to embark on for the next two weeks. Our first week will be spent in Vancouver helping out with a few organizations and only able to name one (Inner Hope Youth Ministries). During this time we will help out with an after-school program, do a room makeover, help out with a LifeSkills program banquet, do two 20 min. church services and some more smaller things. The second week we will be going to Copper Island which is located off the west coast of Vancouver Island. For the first part of the week we will be doing things like manual work and cook prep. for a retreat that will take place from thursday to saturday. We will then help out at this same retreat. The camp is a ministry towards aboriginal peoples, so I am pretty excited about that. Please be praying for us, and also for the people we meet. Be praying that God would use us through our weakness. Also that we could reach out to these people, and have some impact on their lives through Christ. It would be greatly appreciated.

Lastly, I also ask you pray for my Kaleo sisters and brothers in India and Argentina. India will soon be beginning their trek their the Himalayas, and I am uncertain of Argentina's schedule at this point. Please be praying that for India that they could be a light to the people they meet, and have an impact on their lives, also that they would be strengthened to make it through the large hike ahead of them. Also, praise and thanks should be given to God. They stopped in Japan on their way to India and left three hours before the tsunami hit, and now are safely in India. For Argentina, be praying that they would learn lots but also that they would be great teachers to the people they are interacting with and help build firmer foundations for Youth for Christ. Also, that they would impact the children (and third culture children) they will be with. Please be praying for both teams that this mission trip would impact them but also they would have influence with the people they meet. Finally, be praying for their safety through travelling for both teams (and even ours).

God bless!

Chapter 23: Emmanuel, God with Us

Well, where to start.... this week has been crazy, emotional, challenging and definitely hard. As a result, this may be a long post. This week was Gospel with Wes Olmstead and Justin Lenny, a past Kaleo and an intern last year here, came also. The missions trips loom over our heads. Tomorrow the Argentina team leaves and then it is a chain effect after that India and then my team, Vancouver.

Gospels was incredible, and I learned that I am more of a Biblical Studies kind of gal, which isn't a bad thing, and actually, doesn't surprise me. I do wish I was able to do the Gospels over a semester so I could soak in all the rich content and go into more detail but alas, we were not able. Through this course, like any course this year, I learned a lot. It radically shaped my view of Christianity too. It was getting to the root of my beliefs, the words of Jesus without being hindered by church tradition and ideas. It was definitely radical and challenging what Jesus said. Dietrich Boenhoeffer, a German pastor, theologian and pastor once said, "Christianity without discipleship is always Christianity without Christ.” He was exactly saying that discipleship and Christ come hand in hand, which also means our salvation. I am not saying that we have to earn our salvation, we can never earn it. I am saying that true faith gives fruit to obedience and discipleship. I have known that the life of a follower of Christ was hard, but this course definitely personally applied it to me. The challenge to take up my cross daily and deny myself is a hard one. To take up my cross means surrender of my life, giving over the right to rule over my own life to Christ, but also making myself willing to be open to persecution, hardship, and even, shame (Matt. 16:24-28). I also really loved all of themes that were present within each gospel, and how the authors worked with those themes throughout their book. I was so exciting for me (yes, I am a geek) to see the fine details and how it creates the bigger picture.

So Gospels in itself was challenging to my own personal spiritual walk, but there were other things that make this a hard week. One was that I stayed up till 1 and then woke up at 6 to finish a paper-never going to try doing that again. More importantly though, is that another Kaleo member has left us. I think many of us knew that him leaving was looming in the air for awhile already, but to hear the news is always the worst. It was hard news for our community, I feel bad that it came right in the middle of Gospels though for Wes and Justin. I personally am so sad to see this person leave, and to be honest, I have a sense of guilt. I feel like when he needed us the most, I pushed him away or tried to stay out of his way. That was so wrong of me, especially because I do love him. Once again, I became too wrapped up in my own world and avoiding myself being hurt that I neglected him. I was definitely not acting like a sister in Christ that I am meant to be.

I have realized that this Kaleo year has definitely been a hard one, especially for our community. I feel bad that we have made it a very rough year for Jim. I see the whole theme of a "year of grace" definitely shining through. It needs to be a year of grace because all of us seem to repeatedly screw up royally or hold a bitterness, I myself, have done both.

On a happier note, my room and my room brothers went on our first date on friday! They planned it and didn't tell us anything except to bring stuff to make letters. So in the pouring rain they led us (eventually) to the Badke's house. Once there Danny (Jim's son) had made delicious cupcakes and we had a tea party! So cute, gotta love the room brothers! We then made cards for our male and female interns. I really enjoyed it, and it was refreshing.

I think finally our community has come together, it is like we were all waiting for something magic to happen for us to become the Kaleo community, but it was all the time within us. Monday, we did something very 'unique'. For chapel, we (as in the Kaleo girls) each had one of the Kaleo boys who we then encouraged. I was so blessed to have Mike, I just love that guy, plus he didn't make it awkward for the second part. You may ask what the second part is well I will tell you: we washed their feet. Plain and simple. It was based on Jesus washing his disciples feet, and act of us serving our Kaleo brothers. To be honest, in many ways I didn't want to do it because I thought washing someone's feet would be plain awkward, but Mike was really good about it. That evening many of us went to New Life Community church because they were showing a documentary on sex trafficking within Canada. So informative. I suggest you watch it, you can find it at www.hopeforthesold.com and then click on resources. On Tuesday, we had a short dance party in Club Coco and the next night we had a Bible study.

As per usual it seems these days, I have hit a rough patch. I just feel like for the most part, unrecognized, especially when professors come and I know that my shyness is holding me back. That is my own fault, but I like to hold self-pity parties for myself it seems. I think it may be that I am at this point seeking human recognition more than God's, I'll need to work on that I guess. It is so weird that here I am still for the most part quiet even though I know these people so well. I was on the Sr. SRC in my hometown and I spoke in front of large crowds that I didn't intimately know, and it didn't bother me at all, I was a leader in my hometown (I may be wrong though, so don't hold me to it, haha), but I just don't know what happened here.

So that is all I can think of, if you still want to donate to my mission trips (hint, hint, nudge, nudge) you still can but probably mailing it wouldn't really work anymore, you would probably have to phone.

Anyways, I will try to post before I am off for my missions trip. Please be praying for myself and my team but also for the other teams. I hope you have a lovely week filled with God revealing himself to you.

Chapter 22: Meet With The Past

Well first off, sorry I didn't post last week, it is not that nothing happened but I just didn't really get around to posting one. So I guess I will start with last week.

Last week well.. I went home! Which was so sweet. So Erik (one of the Kaleo guys) joined me for reading break since his brother lives in Caronport (where YQ is). So we got home and embarked into town to visit PJ (my pastor) and get the mail. It was so great to talk to PJ again, and connect with him to see what was going on in our church and our community. Some of it was hard to hear though, to see where some of the youth are going and even some of my friends. It was a new realization for me the extreme need to be a light within my own (and small) community. Our youth group, which just a few years ago had around 24 teens in it has stumbled to around a mere 5. Things are really changing. It can be that our church is going through a different season but PJ thinks more that the party scene has become too tantalizing. There are some youth though that are standing up for their beliefs, and I am so proud of them for doing that, I know it is a hard battle.

After that, on Friday we, as in myself, Erik and my brother, made our way to Caronport for YQ. I got to stay with my Parakaleo/friend, Kaitlyn Cey and also Alysha, a friend from camp came to YQ and stayed with Kaitlyn. The weekend was pretty good, but I did realize I don't have energy like some of those kids do. I did a little moshing for The Almost, a band I adore, and I watched the Refined/Undignified dance team. So good! Also, Alysha and I did the dance workshop, not as good of a dancer as I used to be, I'll say that much, haha. At the end of the weekend, I was tired, but it was good to catch up with friends and meet new people. I think also my brother enjoyed it once he met up with a family friend, Graeson Bergen. I am so glad Graeson was there.

After we got home, I think I zonked out for the night. On Monday my extended family on the Elsasser side came and we had a legit German meal, I was so happy to have a homecooked meal. Then, my best friend came over and she brought one of her friends from CMU. I just love that girl. She is so great, and every time I see her I can tell that she is growing in her faith, and I enjoy having in depth conversations with her.

So for the most part that is how my time at home went, oh! on Tuesday Christie, her friend and I made Thai food for supper. Yum. Wednesday my grandparents took us back to Calgary to flight out and I arrived back at camp once again.

So far all we have done is homework. I am so swamped with it, and I am even behind, which is a hard thing for me to accept since I have been the studious type. I am not done one of my assignments that was due last wednesday yet, so I plan on doing that next. Please pray that I don't become overwhelmed! haha. Please also pray for our community, I feel like we are not really being the community we are supposed to be. Also, I am comparing our Kaleo to past Kaleos and seeing that we are lazy and do not bond or do fun things like other Kaleos have, and I know it isn't particularly a good thing to compare.

Lastly, as you know, I don't need money for my mission trip to Vancouver/Ucluelet. Although, our team has decided to raise money outside of our own personal funds to do some cool stuff for the people we are working with. One thing is we plan to do a "Extreme Room Makeover" for some kids. So if you would like I would greatly appreciate it if you would be willing to donate. There is a little under two weeks to donate. So sorry for the short notice. There is a few ways you can do this, you can phone the Qwanoes office at (250) 246-3014 and donate by Credit Card (just tell them who you are donating to which would be the Vancouver Team) or you can send a cheque but make sure it just says Camp Qwanoes, nothing else, and don't specify to who or which team you are giving to. There are forms to specify which team you are giving to in this link:

http://www.kaleolife.ca/kaleosupport2011.pdf

If you are able to support, thank you so much, and if you can't, I completely understand that also.

I hope you have a wonderful week! Next week for me is Gospels with Wes Olmstead. Opa!

Chapter 21: Casting Songs Out To the Sea

Well my Ukie (Ucluelet) trip is done!

To summarize it, it was probably one of my highlights for Kaleo (making my top three, for sure). Ucluelet is where my Vancouver team will be going for the second-half of our mission trip this March, and it is a three hour drive from Crofton.

On the way there we stopped at Cathedral Grove, the trees are.... awestrucking and huge! On the way back to Crofton we went through Cathedral Grove again and they were filming a movie, my guess? Twilight. On the way to Ucluelet we encountered snow, torrential rains, and a crazy storm on the sea. Once we got there we went on the Pacific Rim Trail and hiked out to the lighthouse there. If you don't know, I have an obsession with lighthouses, so I was of course, ecstatic. The waves were so powerful! They crashed against the rock sending spray flying into the air. It was beautiful, and I maybe had a slight adrenaline rush, just slightly. I just can't express how happy and excited I was, maybe if you ask my Vancouver team members they could tell you, apparently I squealed a lot. So anyways, after that we went to a church we were staying at and Tyler (our intern) cooked supper for us. It was so good too, the best meal since I have been home, and now I have an addiction to smoked gouda. Erin, the guy we will be working with in Ucluelet in March, came and told us about what he and his ministry does. I think it will be really great and am excited for what will happen. Today we went to Black Rock along the Pacific Rim Trail again and did some more storm watching. I absolutely loved it.

It was so incredible to see God working from the giant trees of Cathedral Grove to the powerful waves at Ucluelet. It was also a really great bonding experience with my team I think, and I am thrilled I get to spend more time with them in March.

I did seem to take over 200 pictures of waves over the last two days, may be due to that I am from Saskatchewan, but don't tell anyone that, haha. At points in the waves you could see the green and blue in the wave come alive in colour, and it was a challenge to capture that in a photo, and to be honest, I really don't think I did. My new camera is a little bit of a challenge at points, it may take a little getting used to.

Lastly, I get to go home tomorrow and YQ on the weekend! Eek! Have a wonderful week!

I will upload some photos once I learn how to upload my RAW photos onto here, or maybe I will just leave it with these ones.

Well, I am going to Ucluelet tomorrow with my mission trip team for some bonding time, so I will talk about my week and such after that... and maybe even post some photos! So check back on Tuesday or Wednesday.

chapter 20: Slink Past The Ocean

Wow, it seems time goes by so quickly without my recognition, another week, and here I am again writing my blog.

As I said in my last blog, I had this week Introduction to Christian Theology with Jim Paulson. Jim was such a great prof and to be honest, he was pretty funny. Especially the fact that he would refer to himself in third person sometimes. Very enjoyable. Since I read Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis (last March) I've had an interest in Theology, so it wasn't hard to pay attention in class. haha. I did enjoy it though but definitely there were some big topics, and I was left undecided on many issues. I think I might be leaning towards the Arminian side though! But totally undecided for the most part. I think the only subjects I took a side on were in Believer's baptism (vs. infant baptism) and I think when it comes to creation I think I am Literary Framework and slightly Young Earth. But I am not going to get into all of that.

So you may be interested in my Kaleo name. Well it is.... *drum roll* Peacemaker. It is a wonderful name but to be honest I am still uncertain of what this will mean for me. I have thought about it a little and so far all I got is two Bible verses about it:

Matthew 5:9 "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God."

James 3:17-18 "But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness."

Also I know this 'peacemaking' means I have to stop avoiding conflict and becoming more bold, other than that I've got nothing, but I will keep you updated on the situation.

As for those who don't know, I am coming home for my reading break and for Youth Quake at Briercrest. I am not a homebody but I am so excited to come back! Being away from home has made me so grateful for everything I have there, friends, family, my church and yes, even my small town. I like being out and doing my own thing now but that "coming home" seems so much more precious than it ever has before. I am not home for long so hopefully I get to do the things I want and see everyone I want to (and eat all the home-cooked meals I can).

Oh! Mary and I went for a walk by Osborne Bay Park and the guesthouse and took some pictures with our lovely cameras. It was a fair walk, made my cheeks rosy though.

Chapter 19: The Age I Am.

Merhaba!
This week has been quite interesting to say in the least. It was for the most part a week to finish up some homework (I got the assignments done, just not all of the reading) and then we made our way to Mission Fest Vancouver.
I was so excited to go to Mission Fest because obviously I have a love and passion for missions, and I thought this would help me give more direction of my own future. We got up early and took the ferry from Nanaimo to Vancouver. It was foggy so I didn't see much but on the way back to Nanaimo it was gorgeous out. I loved the ferry ride back to the Island. The closest thing I can compare Mission Fest to would be Breakforth in Edmonton. There was booths, main sessions, and seminars but the biggest difference was you didn't have to register or for that matter, pay! For seminars I went to Creative Access Countries, Restoring Children on the Street, and Understanding Islam 101. I also watched two films presented, India's Forgotten Women and Freedom Fighter. The seminars I went to I found I didn't really learn anything from the seminars I found which was a little disappointing. Also, there were two sessions at the same time which I would have loved to have gone to but because of a Vancouver Mission trip went overtime I wasn't able to go. So to say the least I was upset and being so tired the whole weekend didn't help anything, This weekend in itself for me was disappointing, I had expected a lot. God does seem to tear down my expectations as of lately...very often. There was good things that happened this weekend too. I saw how one of the Kaleo girls has an incredible opportunity ahead of her and how wonderfully she fits that role. I could also really see the passion in her for these people too. Some people also were presented with great direction, that too was encouraging to see. I did meet a relative of mine which was kind of sweet, and I met one of my aunt's college roommates, crazy. We also on Sunday went to this beautiful, old church called the Ruth Morton Memorial Baptist Church. It even had an old-school pipe organ in it. One of my interns, Tyler and I explored it a little bit, so beautiful! I really liked the neighbourhood too.
Something I have realized from my homework readings and my classes as of late I am finding that it is really only through God that for the most part we, as believers in Christ, all get along! There are definitely believers, or so called Christians, but there is so many different types! There are so many different view points on baptism, election (Calvinism vs. Arminianism), image of God, Inerrancy, Creation, Women in Ministry, etc. There are just so many different viewpoints! Even at Missions Fest so many of the missionaries had different viewpoints on things. I definitely think it is the grace of God that we all get along in unity for the most part. I am still deciding my viewpoint on a lot of these things, it sucks because I am a rather indecisive person.
As for my birthday, it was definitely different than the usual birthday. For one thing it was without family, and extended family for that matter, and I did miss my cookie pizza! For most of the day I was in class in my Introduction to Christian Theology with Jim Paulson! So good may I add, he is such a great prof. In the evening I was feeling bummed out but a few of us went to Jim's place (as in Jim our leader, not the prof), Danny, Jim's son, made some delicious pies. So we had pie and ice cream and they sang happy birthday to me. I may have been blushing on the inside when they did but it did mean a lot to me. They may be no blood-related family but they are my Kaleo family. Another good thing is Erik tried being nice to me for once, may I emphasize tried, and Mary got me a really cute little gift. I would like to clarify Erik isn't that mean to me, just sometimes.
Lastly, I would like to announce, I got my Kaleo name! I won't post about that right now because I need some time to think it over, but let me say I do love it, and it is definitely challenging.
Have a great week!

Chapter 18: What's In a Name

Bonjour mes amis! (I hope I spelled that right)
Well this week we went to.... Mount Washington! Our big out trip with all of Kaleo for this semester. We arrived monday morning and left friday afternoon. We stayed in a really quaint chalet on the side of the hill, one side being the boys, and one side being the girls. We spent four days skiing/snowboarding and one snowshoeing/cross-country skiing. On Wednesday evening we also went tubing. It was my second time snowboarding (last time was 2 years ago), so that was interesting but there was a bunch of other beginners with me so it was all good. By Friday I was starting to carve so I am happy, and I really do love it, and I am pretty positive more than I liked skiing. In the evenings we had chapel. Something we started doing in chapel was giving Kaleo names. Now you may be wondering what those are because I had no idea until a month into Kaleo what they were. Kaleo names are names given by the whole of us to each other like God gave to Jacob or Jesus did to Peter. These names are something that we see each other and hope us to grow into. That means this names don't fit us now but we will grow into them through the work of God in our life, These names are our hopes for each others, our hopes that will help us grow into more of the character of God. Some of the names given so far have been Advocate, Diamond, Compassion, Lighthouse, Integrity, Surrender and Scribe. I did not receive my Kaleo name yet, and I am not one bit upset about it. I am excited to get my name, but when it happens, it happens, it is not a big deal of timing for me. Plus, I think the people who have already received them needed to receive them first.
From Mount Washington you could see the snowy peaks of Mount Albert-Edward (where we did our hiking trip at the beginning of the year), it is a reminder of how far we as a group and individually have come. I do remember the hiking trip rather clearly still, quite the experience and very fun, and in some ways it seems so long ago!
Something else that was so cool was the impact a believer can have in a short time period with others. My intern here did something that would fall under the title of 'snowboard ministry' and I thought that it was completely lame. I kept thinking that this snowboard ministry was just an excuse for them to always be snowboarding, but I am seeing it differently now. After interactions with liftees, snowboard instructors and just people on the chair I see that there is a huge opportunity to do ministry... on a ski hill! That same intern I was talking about before told a story from his week which I thought was really sweet. Apparently over the years he had gotten to know one of the liftees who works at Mount Washington, and this intern (Tyler) has gotten to know what is going on in his life also. Tyler even calls him by his first name... crazy! lol, jk. But apparently while Tyler was in line and talking to him this man said something along the lines, "you are part of that religious group aren't you?" I think Tyler said that the man noticed that our attitudes and how we interacted with people were different from other people there. Even though I am not fond of the name 'religious group' it is so encouraging to know that people can tell that we are different, that we are 'not of this world'. Also apparently this liftee was able to pick us out on the ski hill, so cool! Well that is my little story for this week.
I guess I should talk of last week and how the whole youth event thing went along. To be honest, I had a breakdown and then everything went really well after that. I just really need to depend on God more.
Well I kind of forgot that I was in college, which sucks. I have a lot of precourse work and other 'fun' stuff I have to do.... yuck. Not looking forward to it.
That is it I guess for now, this coming up weekend we are going to Mission Fest in Vancouver and I am excited for it. Does that make me a geek? Maybe slightly.
I hope your next week goes well and that God reveals himself in new ways to you.

Chapter 17: Oh, The Irony!

Well I decided to do this next week's post in two because I have a few things on my mind and I want to talk about them before I forget.
So yesterday we rented out the Fuller Lake ice rink in Chemainus for two hours. I hadn't gone skating in probably five years, so I knew I wasn't going to do well but since my Kaleo friends were there I thought it could be fun. It was really a great time, all of the girls (except Bret and Janet) were in the same position as me, so we held hands and skated around in circles for a good while till we got the hang of it. I used to take figure skating but that was a long, long time ago. By the end I was able to skate backwards, make bubbles, stop and balance on one skate, so I was happy. At the end of our time there, we all had to do figure skating routines, I laughed at all of them... no word of a lie.
Yesterday morning was quite the time. On Tuesday I really felt like I was supposed to share my testimony/story in chapel but we had some camp people come in so I wasn't able to, so on Wednesday night I texted Jim and asked if I could go. Some people weren't there but I really felt like I needed to tell my testimony, it was the next step in becoming more vulnerable with the community here but also helping me become more bold. I'll be quite frank, I pretty much bawled through the whole thing. I don't even know why really, some parts were sad but for the most part my story is full of blessings in my life. It was weird, I find it funny now though. I think it is God showing me who is actually in control. I'll be honest I despise crying in myself, it makes me feel weak, so I think God is purposely making me into a cry baby. Ever since I came to Kaleo I seem to be crying in chapels a fair bit, not really outside of that though, which is good I guess. It would seem God has a good sense of irony. Sharing my testimony I felt like I didn't share everything I could of but I prayed before I began that what I would say would be glorifying to God, so maybe that is why I said some things and not others, but for the most part I think I said the important stuff.
In other news, the Kaleo crew is 'leading' a youth event tonight here. I am the 'leader' for the Mug-up/Kitchen. I'll be completely frank, I am very below being fond of it. Doing this job was one of my least favourites to do, but I guess it is my own fault I told Jay I didn't care where I went. I still harbour that stupid bitterness towards camp ministry, and this situation probably made it worse. I am trying to have a positive attitude though and I tell myself that it is only day. It sucks that I will probably doing stuff for this 'one day' all of today practically though, and I can't seem to find anybody who is willing to help out either... bummer. haha.
In Operation World, a book we are praying over and reading for Theology of Missions says "Again, in a godless universe, the idea of prayer for the evangelization of the world is beyond absurd.Do we really believe that our prayers to an invisible God can and will change the hard hearts of tyrants, break down oppressive social and religious systems, and deliver fullness of life to those who suffer in abject hopelessness? FB Meyer wrote: "You do not test the resources of God until you attempt the impossible". I think I can't even grasp the importance of prayer, I think it is so hard for me to grasp because prayer is a spiritual thing, a practice that is beyond flesh and blood. It is something that nourishes the soul, and is communication with God. I think this year is really revealing to me prayer in a new light. Brick by brick, and bit by bit I am seeing prayer as I think God intended me to see it.
Over the past week I have felt that I have lived within my only little world and only concerned for myself. This has happened more than once in my life and it is during these times that I realize all too late what the consequences are when I do this. Usually the consequences fall onto my friends and family. I am trying to work through this though, and one thing that has helped is reading the Bible daily and starting my day in prayer. In the morning now I spend time in the library usually reading and praying over things, which is strange because my life state is in chaos to me right now but there is strong assurance that I have God and a strong foundation in him, an inner joy.
I just don't know why but I have become so hard hearted and bitter towards so many things. These past few days have been like a roller coaster with my emotions. I am asking and thinking things of people that just can't happen, I need to depend on God for that.
There ar other things that I am struggling with but it is related to people who probably read this blog and that would make things probably super awkward... eek!
I think that is all for now, or at least what I can think of. Please be praying for me, I think the more I become vulnerable with this community, and God the more spiritual warfare that is going on in my life.

Grace means more than gifts. In grace something is transcended, once and for all overcome. Grace happens in spite of something; it happens in spite of separateness and alienation. Grace means that life is once again united with life, self is reconciled with self. Grace means accepting the abandoned one. Grace transforms fate into a meaningful vocation. It transforms guilt to trust and courage. The word grace has something triumphant in it.
~Yrjo Kallinen

Chapter 16:Bottled Up With the Emotions of a Poet

Well my first week of the new semester has gone by here at Kaleo.
The class was really good but as I said before, I had a hard time focusing which was strange, it just seems my mind kept going on tangents.
The whole thing about going to either Briercrest or Ambrose has actually come to the point I couldn't think of anything else, I was completely distracted. I was blessed enough to realize though before it became too consuming. So I have now resolved to apply and not put too much thought into it until a later date. I have learned that a few more of my friends are going to Briercrest now, which makes my decision even harder. I am just going to pray about it for now.
To be honest, I have all these thoughts swirling in my mind but I can't seem to pin any one thought down at this moment. I still seem to harbour bitterness towards camp ministry so I would ask for some prayer in that. Also, that I would be able to come to a decision of where God could use me best for school next year, and even that maybe if it be his will, that I wouldn't go to school next year.
I think I am finally starting to notice that materialism is starting to have less of a hold on me, when I went to Victoria it seemed not quite as strong as it usually is. I think I am starting to finally starting to devalue it as I use to but it is still a long, long process. I have very far to go yet. I remember hearing of materialism a long time ago and feeling convicted about it but I thought it was too immense and almost impossible to tackle, but here I am, with God's grace I am taking on this thing that has almost had the status of a god in my life. I am starting to see that it is possible to overcome.
I was reading a little bit from an old favourite of mine, Every Young Woman's Battle, it really put into perspective that I am not ready to take on a relationship yet, I would love to go through getting my degree without being married and even more preferably, without being engaged. Which is something that worries me about Briercrest (also known as Bridal Quest). haha. I don't think I am mature enough either to be in a relationship. Every time I think of my last relationship I just realize how faulted it was and how unprepared I was, and to be honest, -I have healed and gotten over it- when I think of that relationship I am still reminded of heartache and pain. I won't lie either, there was really great moments of it, and I learned many things about others and myself but at this moment what I can take from that past relationship is that I need to wait. I don't know if this is good or bad but I almost want to avoid a relationship, I like independence. I love the thought of independence and being the strong, and single person -don't get me wrong, I want to marry someday. I just need to figure out who I am in Christ and focus on my relationship with him before anything else which is hard because I am naturally a romantic. Which does seem to cause me some difficulties but I need to be patient and be able to overcome.

So that is all I have to say for now I guess.

Chapter 15: Some Things Never Change

Well I am back at my second home here on the Island. To be honest, it is so refreshing to be back. I loved being at home and seeing my family and friends, but it was great to see my Kaleo friends and family too. I really did miss them. It seemed the moment we saw each other again it was like time hadn't passed between us, which is so precious to me and something that isn't in every friendship.
I think I feel like we are more unified with this new semester, and the threat of people leaving not looming over us anymore has really brought a peace and calm to our community. The fact of one of the people who said they were leaving and coming back was also such a great joy.
Right now I am definitely having my struggles, I am really struggling with a lot of thoughts but especially on which school to go to next year, to go to Ambrose for Intercultural Studies or Briercrest for Global Studies. I know I want to pursue some sort of mission field but I also feel like I am led into the justice and non-profit organizations like World Vision or even Red Cross. I know these two can definitely go together but I don't know how or what I need to take. It is slightly confusing and I keep going back and forth. I am weighing options but that seems to make it all the harder!
The class this week is Theology of Mission with Tim Stabell. Tim is so incredible and has such a very genuine and vulnerable nature of him. The class is definitely different than what I thought, but still very good. I am having a hard time concentrating which is weird because it is so interesting.
I am also finding that I am having a hard heart and bitterness when it comes to pray and camp ministry here, thankfully I am realizing it, but it is something I need to be working on, so please be praying for me.
Have a lovely and delightful and joyful week!